


The Greatest Forces on Earth

by IvyCpher



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Simon Snow, Bisexual Simon Snow, Breakfast, Kissing, M/M, Post-Watford (Simon Snow), talking about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23827243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyCpher/pseuds/IvyCpher
Summary: Simon comes out to Baz about his asexuality.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 23
Kudos: 81





	The Greatest Forces on Earth

Baz was hopelessly in love with Simon, he had been ever since they were at Watford together. And it was  _ because  _ that Baz loved Simon that he was more than curious and even a tad bit hurt over his boyfriend's reluctance to have sex, or do anything sexual actually.

It was an early Sunday afternoon and the two boyfriends were sitting at their cramped kitchen table together for breakfast. Simon was more focused on his food (some grossly soggy toast smothered in butter and strawberry jam) than Baz was, he wasn't very hungry, and even if he was he knew he'd still be too distracted by his thoughts to eat. Baz looked over his tea at Simon and sighed as a large clump of jam fell off his toast and on his paper plate.

Though he was looking at Simon, Baz wasn't really paying attention to him. He was lost in his head, thinking about all of the times he had tried to do anything more with Simon than snogging. Each time he did something that even  _ insinuated _ that he wanted to go farther, Simon shot him down and fled. Like the time when they were kissing and Baz put his hand on Simon's thigh and he suddenly remembered that he had fish fingers in the oven. Or even when Baz would not-so-subtly flirt with Simon during the commercial break after a sexual scene in a film and Simon would always turn beet-red, leave to go the bathroom and not come back until the film was nearly over.

It just didn't make sense to Baz, or at least, not in the way he  _ wanted  _ it to make sense. He would never force himself on Snow, and it wasn't the lack of sex that bothered Baz, but the lack of an explanation for no sex. With how Simon danced around the issue, he was beginning to worry that maybe he wasn't willing to have sex with blokes, maybe he was just straight like Baz had originally feared when he started to have feelings for him.

"Oi, babe, you okay?" Asked Simon. He was smiling tiredly and leaning across the table to wave a sticky hand in the air to get Baz's attention.

Baz blinked and ran his hand through his hair, "Fine-" He said, looking down into his mug of tea.

Sitting back down in his seat, Simon went back to eating his breakfast. "You zoned out. I was worried that you-"

"Simon, do you not like having sex?" Baz asked before he even knew what he was doing. He put his mug on the table and watched as Simon froze.

A blush flooded Simon's face, making his freckles pop. "Well-" He dropped his last piece of jelly toast back to his plate and grabbed a napkin from the middle of the table. "I've never… Never had it before, so I don't think I have an opinion on it." He shrugged, not looking at Baz but at his hands as he tried to clean off the jelly to no avail.

Hearing that Simon never had sex made Baz feel better, at least he didn't have to live with the fact that he had shagged Wellbelove but wouldn't have sex with him. He shifted in his seat, "It's just…" He started, then stopped. "Do you  _ want  _ to have sex?"

Simon slowly looked up at Baz, looking nervous. "That's the thing actually… I've been talking with Penelope actually, y'know with how she's like the queer encyclopedia?" He gave a small smile but it quickly disappeared, "Well I know I was into Agatha, and I'm definitely into  _ you."  _ He clicked his tongue. "But I think I'm asexual." He said quickly, looking at Baz expectantly.

Relief flooded through Baz's entire body and he sighed. "Great snakes," He leaned back in his chair and smiled. "I was starting to think you were straight, Snow."

In an instant, Simon's face brightened. He snorted loudly, "After all the times I had my tongue in your mouth?" He teased, sticking out his tongue. "So… You don't mind?" He asked with a sigh. That I'm not all that interested in sex?"

With a roll of his eyes, Baz gave a small shake of his head. "You're so vain that you think that you're the only way I can deal with my sexual frustrations?" He smirked, flashing his fangs. "Snow, I had ways of dealing with my crush for you long before we got together." He gave a slow wave with his left hand.

Simon's nose scrunched up in fake disgust and he laughed, "Ew! Horny people have no rights!" He grinned, "And that's the hand I hold too!"

"I wash it!" Laughed Baz, unable to help himself. He felt immensely better having talked to Simon and he was beginning to wonder why he didn't do it sooner. "You're the one who should wash your hands though, I can see the jam stains on your fingers from here."

"What?" Simon looked at his hands and then leaned across the table to put the stickiest one in Baz's face. " _ These jam stains?" _

To avoid letting Simon make a mess of his face, Baz stood up and grabbed his wrists while Simon wiggled his sticky fingers just centimeters away from his face. "Yes! Ugh, you're so disgusting."

"Then why are you dating me?" Grinned Simon, letting his hands go limp in Baz's hold. "Got a thing for sticky fingers?"

Even though he rolled his eyes, Baz was smiling softly. "That is a question even I can't answer. It's probably a curse someone put on me to make my heart beat for the biggest idiot at Watford."

With a soft laugh, Simon looked up at Baz lovingly. "Gee, thanks, you really make a guy feel loved." He joked, his eyes darting to Baz's lips.

"I do my best," Baz mumbled. He kept his hold on Simon's hands but moved them down so he could kiss him. When Simon sighed against his lips and kissed him back, he loosened the grip on Simon's hands.

And then, instead of continuing a wonderful kiss after what had been a great act of communication between them, Simon whipped one of his hands out of Baz's hold and pressed his sticky fingers to his face, giggling.

Baz stiffened and pulled away from the kiss ever so slightly. Simon's fingers were cold on his cheek and the jam felt disgusting on his skin, yet, he wasn't mad, he didn't even really care. "You're a mess, Snow," He sighed, kissing Simon again. "But you're my mess, so I'll just have to deal with it."

Against their kiss, Baz felt Simon's lips hitch into a smile and he couldn't help but do the same.

"I'm  _ your _ mess and you're my angsty vampire boyfriend." Whispered Simon, "And we're stuck together with the power of magik and strawberry jam. The greatest forces on Earth." He paused. "Maybe love as well, but strawberry jam tops that. I dunno, talk to me once I've finished my toast and I'll tell you the order."

**Author's Note:**

> LET ME HAVE THIS HEADCANON OKAY?
> 
> Comments (as long as they're not aphobic) are very much appreciated!!!


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